Mans legs are really sleeping vampires

The home of Frank dribble-bottom has recently been one of mystery, mayhem and death. For the last two month frank - a double amputee victim had been living life with a new vigor. Suddenly over night, two new legs had appeared where only stumps were before. But then the strange happening began - every day Frank would wake to find dead tramps and empty black pudding wrappers all over his bedroom. Firstly he thought he had gone mad, or someone was playing a cruel trick on him.

"The tramps were easy enough to dispose of" Frank told our reporters, "but the black pudding wrappers where a nightmare, how do you explain to your friends and relatives that you need to throw away a whole shopping bag of blood sausage wrappers everyday!"

The Nightmare came to a swift halt on Friday of last month, when Franks Daughter Hilda Dribble-Bottom married her life long love Lee T. Lovepants. Frank was walking his daughter down the aisle when his legs just turned to dust. "You should have seen my face" Frank explained, "of course it was simple - i don't know why it didn't occur to me before. My new legs were just sleeping vampires."

on a brighter note, Frank can tell his hysterical "I'm legless" Joke again.

Book of evil found in book shop...

A Portsmouth bookshop today has been fine £2.99 by the local police for selling the famed Necronomicon. The book made famous by the films "The Evil Dead", "The Evil Dead 2" and "Charlie brown goes to summer camp". The tome of evil had been placed in the arts and crafts section where it'd been retitled - "How to paint in water colours"

The shop "Books, books and things that are a bit like books - for example magazines, cards and calenders" was searched on Tuesday night after customers had reported turning into zombies while shopping. Mr Gordon the owner apologised to the police and all of his now undead patrons and was noted saying "I am sorry for the recent trouble in my shop, but a man's got to make a living you know!"

Breaking News....

Scientist have discovered that elephants are afraid of the sound of angry beds. The squeaking of the old bed springs makes the elephants hop on to the nearest chair and hold its skirt above its knees. Farmers are planning to use this new discovery to produce cheap fertiliser.